“There is also a natural, healthy ebb and flow to intimacy.”

– Jacqueline Mendez

There are two topics couples find very difficult to speak about.

One is money.

And the other is sex.

There is no question that sex is an important aspect of healthy, long-term relationships.

The “syncing” of sexual desire, after all, creates a magical experience.

However, the problems that arise from the lack of sexual intimacy, relationship-specific misunderstandings about it, and general misconceptions around it can create a contaminated space in relationships.

Understanding sexual intimacy is one way to minimise the risk of contamination.

Here are five bits of info to help you:

  1. There is an ebb and flow of sexual intimacy in all relationships

In the beginning of most relationships (the “honeymoon” phase), the sexual attraction between partners is heightened, and both partners wish to enjoy sex equally.

Once that phase has passed, couples move into the next phase, where one partner wants sex more than the other. Sexual intimacy becomes like a wave. For example, the male may want it more, and the female less. And in the next wave, the female may want it more, and the male less.

Remember, this is natural and is not an indication of “dying” sexual attraction.

It is unrealistic to expect frequent synching of sexual desire in a relationship as it is complicated and does not occur all the time.

  1. Why women do not orgasm

Typically, women do not experience orgasms when there are mental blocks in place.

Mental blocks can be big — they may result from women being unable to let go or “lose” control or from past experiences where an orgasm was associated with guilt and shame (getting caught pleasuring yourself as a teenager).

Often the perceived “pain” of a particular memory may be too great, with women not knowing how to move past it.

  1. Why men may not wish to have sex

Apart from the natural ebbing of sexual desire from time to time, men may not wish to have sex as a result of erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation.

Over the last 20 years or so, I’ve found more and more men in their forties experiencing ED and premature ejaculation.

The ED is likely linked to the increased testosterone men are using to grow their careers and businesses.

Because of the testosterone directed elsewhere, these men do not want to initiate or respond to sex. They end up staying out of bed or falling asleep in front of the tv to avoid going to bed where the wife wants to have sex.

  1. How the refusal/withholding of sex affects relationships

Where one partner outright refuses or withdraws sex, it can be a major deal-breaker and open the door to infidelity as the “neglected” partner may feel rejected, unattractive, frustrated, and unappreciated.

  1. The effect of sexual fantasies on relationships

People have different sex drives.

It is often the partner with the bigger sex drive (man or woman) who has more sexual fantasies and wishes to be more sexually explorative.

If the other partner isn’t open to trying adventurous things in the bedroom, it can cause conflict in the relationship.

I’ve done a lot of work with couples to break through their sexual fantasies.

One fantasy is that sex is the most amazing thing and is THE way for partners to show love to each other.

Remember that that moment of sexual pleasure/orgasm is a selfish act because you are only thinking of yourself and not your partner!


As difficult and uncomfortable as it may be, having open conversations about sex is important.

It prevents misunderstandings.

It helps partners to understand each other’s needs and desires better.

And it paves the way for a healthy sex life.

So, if you are finding it challenging to speak openly to your partner about sex or have any questions you would like to ask me, drop me an email at ilze@ilzealberts.com or send me a WhatsApp.

I am here for you, always.

From my heart to yours,


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